Friday, December 19, 2008


The snow day is the sick day’s dashing—and less sniffly—uncle. He rides in on slate clouds, turns the world white and muted, and, striped cashmere scarf flapping in the wind, grants lucky students and university employees a free day off. (In my case it’s not so free as I am REQUIRED—as the Human Resources website says in bold red letters—to take vacation time on “Inclement Weather Days.”) This week my favorite uncle (No offense, Uncle Tim) dashed into town. The tally so far is 2 snow days—Monday and Wednesday—and 2 2-hour delay days—Tuesday and Thursday. What will tomorrow hold? It was looking like more snow, but now I’m not so sure. Come back, Uncle, come back!!!

What I Did on My Snow Days

by Kt Crud

• Created missions that required walking in the snow. Sunday I “had” to have homemade Crispix mix. (Cheaper than Chex as one box fulfills all your cereal needs. And no leftover Bran Chex to stare at you from the top of the shelf, daring you to eat it in a non-Chex Mix setting.) Monday I “needed” fresh bread. Wednesday, it was “imperative” that I chow down on my favorite Farm Plate Special, the bahn mi, at New Seasons. Then I got sent to jail by the grammar police for overuse of quotation marks. They let me go with a warning on the counts of parenthesis overusage.
• Made clam and corn chowder. Thank G-d I had fresh bread to accompany it!
• Prayed that the university would close.
• Compulsively checked the websites of the university, the Oregonian, and Oregon Public Broadcasting for closure information. (What is the Australasian College of Health Sciences? Does Aveda really require an institute?)
• Convinced Mr. Crud that taking a walk in below freezing temperatures was a superfun happy time. He bought it. Once.
• Compulsively checked the weather forecast. “Shit, it’s 36 degrees. That snow’s gonna melt if the temperature doesn’t drop. It’s supposed to be 32 degrees. says so! Come on Oregonlive, Mama wants some accumulation.”
• Finished the Miriam Toews book I’d been working on. I give The Flying Troutmans a B-. Check out her A+++ book, A Complicated Kindness.
• Fired up the Wii Fit my brother and sister-in-law gave me for my birthday. Turns out I am both overweight and actually 49 years-old if Wii Fit’s assessment is correct. Fan-fucking-tastic. Virtual hula hoping rules. The yoga application? Not so much. Or maybe I’m just bitter that the Wii Fit labeled me a “yoga novice.” Mr. Crud fared better. He’s riding the line between normal and overweight and is a mere 44 years of age in Wii Fit time.
• Made and soon devoured a batch of Crispix mix. Why do I love it so much? Is it the Worcestshire’s Sauce? The crumply chip clumps drenched in melted margarine? The garlic powder?
• Checked out a new yoga class at a nearby studio.
• Worried that my astanga muscles were atrophying. Trust this: even a few days off of astanga will make your return a painful, sore experience.
• Wrote a To-Do List that would take a week to complete.
• Learned that snow days are in fact not any longer than regular days.
• Watched snow fall while Mr. Crud napped in my lap.
• Calculated how much money I was losing thanks to the snow day. $300 before taxes. I am not one to hold onto my vacation time for very long. I was already down a few days thanks to my planned trip back east for the holidays. Please, Santa, big money, no whammies.
• Eyed my folder of Crudbucket 8 material then quickly tucked it away. Why can’t it just assemble itself? (Also, why can’t my novel agent, publish, and market itself?)
• Updated my status way too often on Facebook.
• Drafted contingency plans for yoga. Okay, if there’s a 2-hour delay, I’ll go to Heidi’s Soul Flow. If school is cancelled, Ecstatic Flow at noon. But what if Ecstatic Flow is cancelled too? Oh g-d, oh g-d, I’ll never do yoga again. Should I just bike to Mysore? So what if I get stuck?
• Tormented myself with yoga quandaries, thus creating suffering. Not very yogic.
• Practiced, practiced, practiced my Super Mario Kart skills. I unlocked the Piranha Cart. Very exclusive, yes?
• Decided that King Boo is my Super Mario Kart spirit guide.
• Walked down to Little T American Bakery to buy some more bread. The nub leftover from the first loaf got stale. I recommend the 7-Grain Carrot loaf and the pretzel bread.
• Reheated the leftover clam chowder and got a not-so-fresh feeling in my guts.
• Counted Mr. Crud’s Hanukkah gifts. Wondered if I should buy more.
• Dug out my old red union suit from beneath layers of summer clothes and pants that don’t fit anymore. Walked around SE Portland looking like Santa Claus’ grouchy niece. Maybe the Wii Fit is onto something.
• Watched Battlestar Gallactica and marveled that I enjoyed it so much. Death to the Cyclons!!!! Viva Humanity!
• Prayed for more snow and more snow days.
• Prayed that the snow would end before we fly out on Tuesday to visit the folks.
• Used road conditions as an excuse to avoid the post office thus dooming myself to carting around a suitcase full of gifts. Looks like it will be a reuse-recycle Christmas for the one lucky outfit I can fit in my carry-on.
• Scanned photos of the epic 1993 GollyRocket-CornPopp tour of Georgia and Florida.
• Added photos to Facebook.
• Eagerly anticipated comments on said photos.
• Reflected on snow days past. The snow forts, the frolicking, the drifts that stood taller than me. Good times.

I wish you a humongous, jiggling booty butt-load of (paid) snow days in the coming year! I shall return with more crud in 2009, not to mention Crudbucket 8: The Infinity Issue.

Rock on.

Peace out.